I always remember the first time I saw a boy touch a girl sexually. At the time I didn’t know it was sexual but for some reason I knew we had to keep it a secret.
I was 6 and in the 1st grade. We were at recess one fall afternoon. We were 2 boys and 3 girls. We all walked over to a tree on the far side of the playground. I knew that the girl with the skirt had mentioned a hole in her stalkings. So in a moment’s time she was squatting over as if she was going to pee. One of the boys went over to her and under her skirt; he slid his hand and touched her for a moment, then she let the other boy do the same. I didn’t understand what they were feeling for but I felt it. It was that same feeling I could identify today when I am turned on; a small pulsating feeling in my private area. It happened rather quickly and then the bell rang so we all ran to line up. When we got inside we planned to go into the coat room last. The blond boy told us to wait. Then he said “touch it”. As I looked down I saw a bulge coming from the crotch of his pants. And as the other girls just slightly touched it, I did the same. It was my first experience ever touching any part of a boy’s body like that. And I knew that I wasn’t supposed to but it was a very interesting discovery.
I thought about that moment a lot. We never did it again and we never talked about it either. A few months later, I moved and started a new school. I soon forgot the day and what had happened until one day in the second grade I saw something a little more intriguing. I sat in the very last seat in the second row from the windows. My new best friend sat right next to me. When on most days we would just do our work and whisper to each other, this time, she was quiet. But when I looked over I saw her doing something that I thought was weird.
She had her hands under her desk and she was pressing against her pelvic area. But she also had her legs stretched out and it almost looked as if she was holding her breath in order to make something happen. I remember we made eye contact that day but it didn’t stop her from doing what she was doing. Suddenly as I saw her face turn a little red and then she had a sudden relaxed look as if what she had been trying to accomplish had been. And I remembered that feeling. The one I felt in the first grade and the one I can clearly identify now. The problem for me was that I didn’t know how to bring that feeling back, until I realized what she had done. I never talked about it with her.
It’s almost as if I knew that things like this were supposed to be kept secret. But I didn’t waste any time that day in trying it when I got home. I shared a room with my siblings so I went into the bathroom and tried it before I bathed. Eureka! That feeling was there. I pressed and pressed against my pelvic area until I felt something pulsate. And it felt great. I soon began to do this from time to time; nothing too often because I was never really alone. But when we moved to a bigger house, I had more freedom to explore. I’d watch late night TV with one of my cousins and sneakily watch Cinemax and quietly watch the soft porn movies. But I knew I couldn’t really “relieve” myself around anyone so I wouldn’t. But I still felt aroused just by watching.
It wasn’t until I was about 9yrs old when I began sleeping over a family friend’s house and the exploration became greater and a lot more involving. She was only about one or two years older but this is where I truly learned how much I enjoyed masturbating. I had tried humping teddy bears and sometimes even just on the floor. But the more she and I spoke, the more I understood she had already been “exploring” herself too. I don’t recall exactly how we began our house play but for some reason we used that as our way to do it in a “normal” and acceptable way. And what I mean by that is by not making it seem “gay” because we both knew we only did this together because exploring with boys was not allowed.
Being Puerto Rican and this young, our parents were always protective and made it very clear we were not to think about or kiss boys. So we’d play house and we’d pretend to be dating. But one of us would always play the boy. We’d wait till we were going to bed and we began humping on each other. With the “boy” usually putting a sock in her panties so we would both feel it equally as we humped. This went on for about a year until she began exploring more with boys. I still wasn’t ready to let other people know that I was aware of my sexuality so I went on my merry way and continued to feel on myself and always comfort myself and without my friend to help. It had been fun. Our time to “play” was over. But I left that experience understanding that I enjoyed it. I liked to feel turned on. I liked to hump. I enjoyed masturbating.
