I am not one of those women you will find in a church on Sunday proclaiming my dedication, faith and devotion to any particular God or religion albeit I am very spiritual. Frankly, I believe that we are all guided by something greater than ourselves which steers us to play our role in this Circle of Life. How much happiness, success and love you attain is determined by how faithfully you listen to The Celestial Planning Committee.
It wasn’t until my Freshman year in High School that I learned about The CPC. Mrs. Porsche, Dean of the Dance Department at School of The Performing Arts, was known for rummaging through our lunches looking for forbidden food items, reminiscing about Martha Graham and for her use of the term The Celestial Planning Committee. She used that term instead of God to not offend us dancers since we were a very diverse student population. In my heart I felt like she BELIEVED in this Celestial Planning Committee and over the years her belief seeped into me. In fact it was The Celestial Planning Committee who had led me into the Dance department after all.
Sitting in the auditorium, I watched the dancers put on their latest performance and by the end of it I was very emotional and soaked in tears. Yes, I was moved to tears because something inside of me SCREAMED to me that THAT was my calling. I became consumed about how this girl from a poor family with absolutely zero formal dance training would get into a dance department that girls who were practically born in pointe shoes were being turned away from. What the Celestial Planning Committee wants for you no man or woman can prevent. Within a few weeks of my gut tossing and twisting with this new desire I saw my seventh grade teacher at my new school.
Mrs. Ramirez was the one who originally told me about SOA and encouraged that I audition for the Communications department since I was an aspiring writer already getting awards from the school district for my poetry. Mrs. Ramirez shared with me that day I saw her at SOA that she would be in charge of a new program that they were starting for aspiring artists of low incomes who had no other means of attaining formal training in their art form. MESSAGE! I quickly decided to give up my entire summer to attend school so that I could get the formal dance training I couldn’t afford yet needed to get into the Dance department. At the end of that summer there were auditions where 2-3 students were selected for entrance into each department. As the Celestial Planning Committee intended I was selected and became one of the newest members of the Dance department.
I knew how very little I knew about dance so it became my quest to learn everything I could about it. It is not a lie that I read every dance how-to book, dancer autobiography and watched every dance program I could find. I was was obsessed driven to make dance my truth. My classmates kidded me for always having a dance book in hand and for always giving my all even though I often fell very short in comparison to them. It didn’t matter to me that I was one of the worst because I was doing what I loved! Almost exactly a year later after crying it was in that same auditorium that I received The Heart of a Dancer Award…an award that was voted on by my peers. To some it might be silly to consider this one of my biggest achievements but to me it is everything. When I look at this paper certificate, which has yellowed over the very many years, I see an award for listening to my inner voice. I see an award which proves that others do notice and reward those who follow their dreams. My Heart of a Dancer Award says to me that the most important part of following your dreams is…following.
It was in that summer where I wanted and dreamed of becoming a dancer that I first clearly heard my inner voice. It was that inner voice which led me to write positive affirmations in lipstick on my dresser mirror, long before I knew what positive affirmations were. It was those scribblings on my mirror my mother found silly and my hard work others saw as obsessive that led me to believe ANYTHING I wanted would be mine so long as I jumped into the ring, fought for it and denied the naysayers a voice on my counsel. It didn’t matter to me that I would be surrounded by girls who had more talent and natural ability than me. I would be a very small sardine in a very big pond filled with lovely Koi fish. I just wanted to swim! Swim I did behind Mrs. Porsche who might of not really cared for these new colored girls who had affirmative actioned their way into her department but who she would show respect for as we proved our worth. She would give my inner voice a name…The Celestial Planning Committee.
For many years I was that girl who listened to her voice doing the will of the divine Celestial Planning Committee making the most outlandish, unorthodox choices which all were perfect for me; then I became a mother. There was a new voice telling me to protect my child and to make the smart choices for him. This new voice wasn’t the same voice which had led me to marry my child’s father after only knowing him a month and half, never having sex and the second kiss being the one which comes AFTER, “you may now kiss your wife,” this was the voice of societal norms.
Get back in line! Stay in your lane! Go back to school…finish that education! Keep a good well paying job no matter how unhappy it makes you! You can’t do that! You must do what you are expected to do or they will consider you a failure. Those were the things that societal norms screamed at me. Societal norms screamed and screamed until I barely heard the voices of my beloved Celestial Planning Committee.
You do remember that I said that what the Celestial Planning Committee wants for you no man or woman can prevent and that sure as hell includes society and their fucking norms!
I had the worst year known to L-A in 2009…and then it FINALLY all clicked!
I can’t tell you, no, I don’t want to tell you, yet, exactly what clicked and how I went about righting things. What I’ve come here for is to announce that I’ve jumped into the ring again, I’m fighting and on my counsel there is not one naysayer. I’m no longer a woman…I am a warrior employed by The Celestial Planning Committee…that’s my role in this Circle of Life!
