As I sit here typing, in the darkness with only the light from my desk lamp and monitor to illuminate my thoughts I wonder do emotions connect us? The sultry beat of another Tori Amos song starts to invade my musings and I think YES! Emotions DO have to connect us. That is why after listening to these same songs for years I can never tire of them. Tori Amos is one of those singer/songwriters that has helped me along my path from those awkward teen years to my early thirties. She had to feel these emotions that make her music relevant to me. Here I go getting off task and off topic, so let me get back on track by telling you why I am writing. Today, in the process of wondering should I keep going down this path of web development or should I just go back to school and attain a masters as a Nurse Midwife? Well, what happened I don’t know if it carried an answer or what but it did show me that no matter what our emotions bind us.
How could the loss of another woman’s baby bring back so many of my own memories? How could I sit and cry for hours reading her blog. I mean I have only had brief email contact with her and I have never met her in person. She was someone I always admired for her ideal way of balancing home and business while still being a great mother and a great business woman! Her very well planned life got set off track and onto a different path. I know that she will be alright because unlike me she has a very strong faith in God and great support system. How I wish that she had never gone through her pain but how her pain has taught me there are so many unhealed wounds in my own life.
So, although today I spent most of the day crying about Heather, about Sawyer, about my own daughter Isabel Grace, about my inability to help myself like I help others, and about nothing…I wondered will I ever recover my faith?
So, because for whatever reason today of all days I stumbled upon grief I pray:
Dear God, please help me find my faith in you! Help me find the path that you have meant for me and my life. Help me be a better mother to these boys while also being good to myself. Dear God, help me find peace with my own mother. Help me release the hurt and pain about Isabel Grace so that I can be a better aunt to my niece and I can finally hold her without bitterness or envy. Most of all God please teach me to help myself before I help others. Dear God, I know that you are there and I am the one who has faltered so, help me find my way back!
