As you likely know already, sex positivity is a concept that is embraced by many of us who advocate for gender and sexual equality. It basically means that we wish to create spaces in which people are free to conduct their sexual lives in the ways that they see fit without judgment. The fact that women are still subject to many sexual double standards and are victimized by a global rape culture makes the need for sex positivity a great one and your feminist friends out here are trying to make it a more pervasive concept. It’s no good if we’re the only ones buying in; sex positivity can’t simply exist in small, counter cultural pockets- it needs globalization.
However, I do wonder at times if some folks desire to create sexually free spaces results in giving pardon to sexual acts that should be, well, judged by others. I’ve never heard anyone speak of sex positivity when it comes to truly deviant and wholly wrong acts (i.e. rape or molestation), but I have seen some things defended that I don’t think should be acceptable under any circumstances. Two specifically: infidelity and unsafe sex.
I’ve been on various message boards and seen stories of cheating (as a member of the relationship or as the third party) get attacked by people like me, who may be totally fine with the idea of holding one’s ‘freak flag’ high, but only if no one else can get hurt. Others will come forward to say “Be careful, you’re getting in to slut-shaming territory” (slut shaming is essentially making a woman feel bad about her sexual behaviors and is thus antithetical to sex positivity). While poly-amorous relationships and the total rejection of monogamy are certainly concepts that a sex positive worldview would allow for, I don’t think it’s fair to bring an unwilling party into the fold.
It’s a simple enough concept for me: if you feel that your life will be enhanced by the ability to have multiple partners, then have the courage to share that information with the person you are with. If they can’t handle it, then make a choice. But there is nothing ‘positive’ about abusing your partner’s trust; in fact, the deceptive nature of infidelity contradicts the freedom that sex positivity aims to create and it may strip your loved one’s ability to have their own positive relationship to sexuality. As far as being the other woman or man in an affair, your own selfish desires are being satisfied to the detriment of another person who may not have done anything to warrant such. If you are a believer in sex positivity, you can’t rightly exercise that in a way that abuses others.
One of my favorite books is Toni Morrison’s Sula, in which the titular characters loves and leaves men with reckless abandon- one of which being her best friend’s husband. She is hailed by literary critics for her sexual freedom, particularly in the 1930’s setting of the book. While Sula is a fascinating character on a page, under no circumstances can I hail her refusal to respect the boundaries of her only true friend’s marriage. Freedom should never come at the detriment of the innocent.
As far as unsafe sex goes, I think all of us have a responsibility to ourselves (and to the possibly decadent sexual lives we desire) to make sure that we are both happy and healthy. The AIDS pandemic is still very real and we shouldn’t take for granted the advances in modern medicine that have made HIV more manageable. There’s also the ever growing list of other STIs (of both the ‘gone with some antibiotics’ and ‘forever yours’ varieties) to be fearful of. What’s positive about getting sick when getting sick is largely avoidable? Being responsible about your own health has got to be more sex positive than choosing totally reckless abandon- and paying the price later.
A truly sex positive culture can allow people of all sorts to have happier sex lives, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of all responsibility. We should seek to protect ourselves and those who have chosen us as lovers, both emotionally and physically. While it may be easy to use sex positivity as an excuse to attempt to do whatever we want with no consequences, we do our own cause a disservice by pretending that the rules of the body and the heart don’t apply to sexual freedom.
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