I don’t know if I will ever be one of those women that has it “all together” but I have decided that I am going to definitely fake it until I make it! I am going to pretend that I am already the ideal woman I want to be. Are you asking yourself if I have finally lost my mind…completely? I have definitely not lost my mind more than I already had. I might have actually found pieces of it that have been missing for some time. Now back to my theory of faking it…
…I am most definitely going to fake that I am perfect for me until I am actually better for me. Most everyone fakes it until they make and I shouldn’t be an exception to that rule. Yes, I often find myself falling apart but instead of waiting for all the pieces to hit the ground so that I can runaway quickly why not move forward while falling apart?
Beautiful me has a beautiful life even when I am hurting!
Beautiful me whispers to me often about the positive qualities she exemplifies, about the unrealistic things she achieves and about how free she feels after conquering a fear. I am far from being the woman I want to be but I can definitely start pretending to be her by slipping on her stilettos and walking her path. I will definitely slip and I might even fall trying to fit into her shoes but with enough practice I know that I can master her strut.
Since thirty started knocking on my door an impatient restlessness began driving me towards defining myself as a woman and defining what happiness looked like to that woman. For years, I have struggled with the realization that who I am as a woman sometimes conflicts with who I am as a mother but I know that if I am not true to her vision of happiness neither the mother nor the woman will ever be fulfilled. Beautiful me won’t stay out my ear about doing the things that make her happy; sometimes I am brave enough to do them. When I dare to fake like the mother that I am can live in the world of the woman that I aspire to be all of me is happy.
I’ve decided to give myself the power to pretend to be more than I am.
What I have not been in the past does not limit what I can be in the future. What I have been in the past does not limit what I can be in the future either. The best thing about the past is that it has given me a clear picture of what I want to be in the future. The best thing about the future is that it starts right now in this moment. In this moment I can begin training to be that woman by acting on the things she dreams of. If I want to run a marathon someday I can’t do it unless I start running today. Today, I might not be able to run farther than the end of my block without losing my breath and collapsing but if I keep running I will eventually find myself able to run that marathon.
Faking it until I make it? No! I am training my mind, body and soul to be able to go the distance.
Each of us has a better being inside of us calling us to do more. The Beautiful One in each of us begs us to act on dreams, to push our limits and to breakthrough fear. Of course it is hard rising to the Beautiful One’s challenge especially if we break ourselves down according to the reflection we see in the mirror. When we reflect on what we are today too much it paralyzes us to remain no more than that forever. Looking in that mirror too long will cause you to remember all the obstacles that prevented you in the past. We are all very gifted at finding our own faults and making excuses for ourselves. Well at least I have been in the past.
So. The. Fuck. What. If. I. Ain’t. Shit. Yet.
I am going to be amazing someday soon. I am going to be amazing because even though I know that allowing the beautiful me to live might kill the mother and woman I am now…I know that not allowing her to live was killing me already.
So. The. Fuck. What. If. You. Are. Scared. Too.
We can do this together. You definitely aren’t alone in wanting to achieve something that you think is unrealistic. It is unrealistic to not allow ourselves room for trial and error. Through practice comes mastery. I will definitely slip and I might even fall in my red Kimi stilettos but unless I train often I will never become a woman that gets carried away for a living!
::struts in front of the mirror wearing those red Kimi stilettos :: laughs at reflection :: throws deuces up::
