Family Values? How did my early family life/upbringing impact my sex/relationship life? That’s such a complex question ain’t it? That’s exactly why I want to talk about the family member that many forget has a huge part in defining our sexuality before many of us even hit puberty – the media. Like many, my parents really never had “the talk” with me which left me to learn on my own from friends, television, movies but most often from music. This is a story about how three popular songs taught my generation a few things about sex and it goes a little something like this…
Papa Don’t Preach
Madonna had already taught all of us kids growing up in the ’80s what a virgin was with her next album she would teach us more about sex. In the summer of 1986 I was just nine years old when I learned all about teenage pregnancy and abortion. In my best friend’s bedroom we watched and danced to the video while singing loudly until her mother realized that we were singing “that” song. She walked in to reprimand us and change the channel. Later my twelve year old best friend would explain to me that having an abortion was killing a baby. You could kill your baby?!? ::my mind did an instant flashback to something hurtful my mother said a lot but I hadn’t understood before::
When I asked why her mother hated the song even though the song was NOT about killing babies she said she didn’t know. We were confused about why parents were upset that Madonna’s song was about a girl keeping her baby. It wasn’t until a year later that we realized that people thought Madonna’s song was promoting teenage pregnancy. Madonna would keep us just as confused as she would informed about sexuality for many years to come.
Let’s Wait Awhile
After Madonna had scared us about all things sexual with her teenage-pregnancy-abortion song Janet Jackson presented us with another option. The video starts with her and her angry boyfriend on a rooftop. She asks him to understand that she wants him to understand that they should wait to have sex. She pleads her case, gently and romantically, explaining that she deeply loved him but wanted to take it slow. She wanted to wait awhile before it was too late and they went too far. She explained that she didn’t really know not to let all her feelings show and to save some for later so their love could be greater?!? Yup, all of us girls wanted to wait until a catchier tune came out.
I Want Your Sex
After Janet sang about waiting to have sex even though she did love “him”, George Michael sang about how he couldn’t wait anymore. Well okay?!? We sang this tune and we learned that sex was natural, sex was good and that it was chemical, logical, habitual, sensual. After putting together Janet’s message with George Michael’s we figured that maybe men manipulated women with I love you’s to get sex and that women might regret it if they did have sex too soon. Which message was the right one? If sex was natural, if sex was good, if people were friends and loved one another should they not have sex or should they? As the older kids explained it to us women weren’t supposed to give sex to men easily – they had to make men work for it; make’em beg like George Michael begged for it.
The sexual double standard wasn’t all we learned about, many of us, including myself, heard the word pornography for the first time in that song and tried desperately to figure out what it was. A friend explained that pornography was “dirty” magazines like Playboy. The song repeated that sex was best when it was one on one which really confused all of us. How else would you have sex? Another little girl explained that “one on one sex” was having sex with another person instead of “touching” yourself. She explained that the “Explore Monogamy” message at the end of the video was about just that.
We were very young totally confused yet excited about the possibilities of sex; whatever “sex” was?!?
Parents Just Don’t Understand
Parents aren’t all the same because some of us do understand. I know that children do have a keen awareness about sexuality way before most adults would like to admit it. Personally, I was “tickling” my own little lady bits way before these songs came into my life at the age of nine, something my parents wouldn’t understand. Whenever anything sexual came up in a song or was implied in a PG-13 movie my parents either ignored it or shamed me for asking about it. It was exhausting growing up in a highly sexual world without any adult advice on how to process these adult sexual messages. I didn’t fare too poorly in defining my own sexuality but some of my childhood friends have a very different story to tell.
To make this long story short…
How did the media (a very vocal family member) impact your sexual development?
Do you think that since our children are now growing up digital, in the information age, parents should be more open about sexual topics or should they censor media more?
