Loss.
…such a small word and yet, for some, its meaning is unfathomably huge. So much so, that it can be the only thing we see, feel and breathe.
Today marks the two year anniversary of the death of my cousin, Jacob. He died as the result of a drug overdose. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. He is by far the biggest loss I’ve had in the last three years.
I want to talk about what loss means to me, what it looks like and how it feels right at this moment.
The last three years have been difficult, to say the least. They’ve been marked by loss.
Consistent. Earth shattering. Overwhelming… Loss.
I’ve always been a person who dealt with loss pretty well, but lately I’m not doing such a hot job. Historically, it wasn’t something that typically dragged me down for long. I have a clear understanding about death, although I do know it’s the worst kind of loss you can experience. Death is just part of life’s master plan for me and those around me. I also understand that people come in and out of my life; friends, relationships, etc. Sometimes it’s because they’ve already served their purpose in my life, and sometimes it’s just what’s best for me, even if I don’t agree.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. And even if what has happened is the worst possible thing imaginable, I know that it’s beyond me. I believe in God, but I do not believe that God takes people or spares them. I choose to subscribe to the belief that God watches and, as he does, life happens. As a result, death happens, too. People get sick. They suffer and sometimes they die, but life still goes on. I also believe that God uses everything that happens in life as an opportunity for me to grow and change so I can become more like the person he wants me to be. In many cases, that may not look like the person I think I am or that I would prefer to be. Life’s lessons can be quite painful.
I’ve lost a lot in the last 3 years. I’ve lost relationships with too many close friends, I’ve lost a part of myself that I may never get back, and I lost Jacob, too. But I’ve gained a lot, I haven’t forgotten that, either.
At this moment, as I sit and type this, I am walking through an enormous amount of fear. Fear of losing something I already have and fear of not getting what I want.
Losing something I already have… Loss.
I don’t know what the next right thing to do is and I am terrified of what might happen next. Each move I make has the power to send my entire life into a tail spin, but then again, considering what I said above, is all of this happening for a reason?
Yes, I am sure that it is. However, because I cannot see around the corners and I don’t know the outcome. I am terrified.
I don’t want to lose anything or anyone else. I don’t want to learn any more lessons. I don’t want people that I love to walk out of my life just as quickly as they walked in. I don’t want to lose the career that I’ve worked so hard to build in the last fifteen years.
I don’t. I can’t. I’m scared. I’m hurting. I’m angry. I’m disappointed… and I am completely overwhelmed.
I’ve learned to trust, to believe that it will all be okay. To hold on tight to the fact that God’s will for me will never take me where his grace won’t protect me.
I’ve been through situations like this too many times not to know those things in the deepest parts of my heart. I know that when I get to the other side of any difficult situation, especially those that have occurred in the past three years, that I will be okay. I will be better than I was before the situation began.
There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, even though I might believe, at this moment, it’s a freight train headed right for me.
I desperately miss the people that I have recently lost. There has not been a day in the past week where I have not broken down in tears and wanted to curl up in a ball and hide. It’s just too much, just too fucking much at one time. And I want to scream, “STOP, please?!”
Let me also state that I am not a victim, nor am I a martyr. I fully participate in my life and take responsibility for my part of things. Good and bad. I realize there are people out there living through far worse than I am, suffering losses far greater than mine. When I remember this, I can refocus and be grateful for what I do have and not focus on what I don’t have. Those are the times when I have prayed and I have trusted and I have believed.
A friend reminded me, “It’s going to be okay. It already is.” Yes, I do know this, but for God’s sake it doesn’t feel like it right now. Right now, it feels like I am drowning.
My tank is empty and one more time I have nothing left to give anyone else. When is it my turn? When do I get to fill my tank?
Just when I feel as if I am about to snap, I get a call from someone who is having a problem, and they need support. They need a shoulder to cry on. Instead of hanging up and running screaming in the other direction, I listen. I might hang my head in my hands and think, I can’t do this… But I do, do it. I take the call, I listen to them. I offer support, love and maybe a different perspective and then *I* walk away feeling a little less hopeless, a little less like I am drowning.
Amazing how that works, huh? I’m at the end of my rope and someone else needs me to give to them. I scrape the bottom of the barrel and, miraculously, I find some compassion, love and tolerance. I offer my experience, strength and hope. And, as a result, I get to feel better afterwards. My tank gets filled, even if just a little.
I’m in the hallway and I know deep inside that I will be okay, that things will work out exactly as they are supposed to. That the people I love who are no longer here are gone for a reason. I know that a door will open and I won’t be in the hallway anymore, and it will be better than whatever I thought the outcome should be.
Deep inside, I am still fighting, though. I am not in acceptance of the situation around me and I don’t want things to be the way they are. I miss those that are gone, desperately. It fucking hurts.
I want what I want, damn it! And, for the moment, all I can do is the next right thing in front of me.
What is the next right thing? Sometimes it’s the damn dishes and sometimes it’s running a conference call at work.
Sometimes it’s just to… breathe.
Loss sucks and, right now, life is having its way with me. I, for one, cannot wait to find out what the outcome will be. I can’t wait to look back on all of this and think, Okay, that sucked, but I got through it and now things are better.
For now, I’ll breathe… and then do the next right thing in front of me to do. The rest is out of my control and, therefore, out of my hands.
Here are some lyrics to an old song I’ve heard recently. They sum up a lot for me lately in regards to the loss of relationships, friends, family and things…
The Beatles ~ In My Life
**
There are places I remember
all my life, though some have changed.
Some forever, not for better.
Some have gone, and some remain.
All these places have their moments
with lovers and friends I still can recall.
Some are dead and some are living.
In my life I love them all.
But of all these friends and lovers,
there is no one compares with you.
And these memories lose their meaning
when I think of love as something new.
Though I know I’ll never ever lose affection
for people and things that went before,
I know I’ll often stop and think about them.
In my life I love you more.
Though I know I’ll never ever lose affection
for people and things that went before,
I know I’ll often stop and think about them.
But in my life I loved you more.
In my life,
I love you more.
For Jacob…I love you, always. Rest in peace. 12/22/2009
***
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