I cried tonight when I read your email because I finally “get” it. The past doesn’t matter neither do the what if’s. They weren’t and for that I’m glad.
I wasn’t the woman who with a pregnancy changed your young adult life. I wasn’t the woman who you married and later divorced. I wasn’t the woman who willingly brought a child into this world to keep you as her man. I’m bloody happy that those women weren’t me!
I am a lot of things but destroyer of a man and his dreams never.
I am the woman who sees you clearly. I am the woman plagued by my own fears and demons who is working to fix her situation and NOT live in denial. I am the woman you see as your equal…
…wicked, selfish, demanding, sex-crazed, perverse, extreme, judgmental, flawed, missing pieces, missing screws, pusher of other people’s buttons just for shits and giggles, adrenaline junkie, scared of much, fearful of naught, slightly evil and tormented by delusions of grandeur…just like you!
I am NOT the one messing things up for you. Not then, not now and more than likely not ever. Your unhappiness has not a damn thing to do with me. Stop claiming that it is me “the temptation” luring you away from your “situation”. It isn’t me that is tempting you to be yourself, lash out and choose you. You want more from life, what exactly you don’t know yet. No matter how much she tries she can’t satisfy the side you CAN’T show her. It isn’t for her, you see. So, I am not the mess, you are.
A few years ago you had me in your peripheral causing a ripple in Lake Placid aka your heart. You knew that toes deep I brought more depth to you than she because I understood your complex simplicity. You wanted to turn around and reach for me…you wanted to take me into your arms, walk me into your ocean, pull me close, push down on my shoulders, so you could stay afloat…although I could breathe underwater…for you I wouldn’t. I deserved more from you than to be another one of your enablers.
I flew ahead. Finally, here I stand dead center in your blinders. Decisions. Decisions. Can you still run? Come on catch up.
You could never resist me then. When we were young. You’d push me away tell me and yourself we were never going to have sex again. Before long we’d be naked wondering why we ever stopped. You laughing inside thinking you were using me and in control. Me smiling thinking how can the smartest man I know really know so little.
You can’t seem to resist me now…yet now it’s different, not one touch, one kiss, one lick, one suck or blow, but somehow this mind-fuck is worse! More for you than me because you have never wanted a woman how you want me…it isn’t sexual and it isn’t because you feel you owe me anything, but because you want to love me and more than anything want me to love you. You crying inside thinking you can’t touch me because I send you totally out of control. Me smiling thinking how can the smartest man I know really know so little.
The last thing I want is for you to fall apart! Keep doing the “right” thing my love. I understand. ::looks around her glass house to make sure all the stones are packed::
These glass houses we’ve built will eventually crumble all around us regardless of what “we” leave unsaid and undone. I would rather walk out and struggle with you before they shatter on us and cause more scars…
If you ever want to live in that oyster meant just for us…pursue me…AFTER you REALLY end it with her and IF I am available…
I Love You…for a lifetime, regardless!
