When love ends too often people close their hearts and do all the wrong things only to find themselves back where they started again with yet another broken heart. I’ve seen it all. The friend that jumps from bed to bed chasing after orgasms. The friend that turns the dude that should have been a rebound hump into her Mr. Right. I’ve also even seen the friend who pours herself into her career or her children entirely with such a closed heart that she won’t date at all and denies that she has any sexual needs whatsoever. I don’t want to be any of these women. Not that I judge my friends or people…I’m just old enough to know that none of those things will work for me. Where do I go from here? How do you move forward when a relationship is over, you aren’t quite ready for another but you can’t deny that you’re an adult with both sexual and emotional needs?
First things first, before you are ready to let someone new into your heart you must make sure that you’ve let yourself back in already. Have you forgiven yourself for what went wrong in your relationship? Are you doing things that make you happy? What about goals? Have you created goals that allow you room for personal growth? Have you enjoyed your own company enough? These are musts!
I had to forgive myself for not being willing to compromise my needs and desires in order to stay married. That was the first thing I had to do. ::cues Man In The Mirror:: This wasn’t a time for me to lie to myself…I had to take a DEEP, LONG, HARD LOOK at myself. I realized in my heart of hearts that although I could deny myself some of who I was for a while I couldn’t do that for a lifetime. Forgiveness was a hard one. I find myself still working on this one everyday because there is a lot of guilt tied to my failure. Yes, I said failure. You also have to embrace that you failed to be able to forgive. Yes, I failed at marriage. I did not always do the right things to make it work and therefore it broke and I failed. I forgive myself for that and I forgive myself for the pain that my children will walk away from that with. I forgive myself because I know that becoming a woman who is happy with herself FULLY again, allows me to better mother than being an unhappy woman married to their father does. Okay, now we can move on to the next must.
Doing things that make you happiest. Hey, don’t talk about it be about it. For me it was writing. Shit, I didn’t write for twelve long years. Something in me always wanted to write but for the longest I was afraid of what he would think of what I wrote. You are here reading this blog you obviously can tell I might not give a shit about that anymore. It isn’t that I don’t give a shit about what he thinks…it’s that I’m willing to stand for whatever I write here. Yes, I wrote it. If something I write upsets him…I’ll talk to him about it. I am standing for something that makes me very happy…my writing. Standing for something you truly believe in is what I mean by do the things that make you the happiest. This is probably the best thing you can do for yourself at this time. Yes, getting back in the gym is nice for the thighs, buying a new wardrobe is great therapy and taking a trip to Costa Rica ain’t too bad at all…but what do you stand for now? Come on find something. Stand UP! You had to stand up to walk out…now, stay standing for something you love and that will help you get to walking forward. Ready for what comes next?
You’ve forgiven yourself, you’ve figured out what you stand for and now, you’re going to need some goals, especially, if you have children. What do you want from life? This isn’t the time to make excuses or talk yourself out of those dreams. It isn’t time to chase your tail. Grab that butterfly net and catch yourself some dreams. I once had a friend who post her divorce became a body builder. She was always a fly ass chic with a bad body but she had always wanted a perfectly fit body and to compete in fitness competitions but it wasn’t something that her possessive husband would have approved of. Never seen a woman so determined to make her dream come true and she didn’t let the fact that she had two kids or a stressful job as an Operating Room Nurse stop her either. I watched as she did all the things she needed to attain her dream and the rest of her life including her love life fell into place while she was doing it. The harder she worked towards achieving something for herself the more benefits the Universe seemed to leave at her doorstep. Best of all she exemplified resilience for her children. Yes, my sons are going to need to see me bounce back fully…they must see me achieve other dreams after I failed at a huge dream. They’ll learn that it is not only okay to fail but that failing once doesn’t mean you can’t win again!
What’s next L-A? Well, have you enjoyed your own company enough? You got the rest of those things taken care of? You’re telling me you got that number one spot in your own heart locked in for yourself again, you’ve forgiven yourself, you’re continuing to do things that make you happy and you’ve at least caught the tail of a dream? Then it is time. It is time to open your heart and your bed to someone else. Yeah, baby! 
You can’t deny that you are human and as a human you need a companion to share your life with, someone to be admire and be admired by, you need to be held and you need to be touched. By all means jump into that dating pool but remember this…you took all the steps above to help you get to a better place so choose wisely. Very wisely. It isn’t so much about finding your next lifetime mate upon your first dive into the pool but even if you are only looking for something casual make sure it is on your terms. You can’t let this last step mess up all the hard work that came before. Yes, it is nice to have someone else around so long as they fit into your master plan for YOU! If they do then let them in and don’t look back on the past…remember we want to be great…forward only!
Personally, sometimes I wish I could jump in the DeLorean, enter some magical date in the future that allows me to slip forward into my life at the point where I’m past the trials and tribulations and I’m with the *him* that fits me like a glove enjoying our future, but I know that it probably wouldn’t be as sweet if I didn’t know how the bitter tastes.
Showtime…lights, camera, action…do you! I’m doing me.
Soon, very soon, I’ll reveal my new found outlook on dating…it isn’t a game anymore…it’s about business!
