My friends and I talk about everything, from a to z there isn’t a topic that is taboo for us because we are the best of friends. As someone who was married for a long time and spent quite sometime debating separation and divorce my friends’ dating lives were something I made mental note of during my decision making. My close girlfriends who were single and mothers all had very similar dating practices as if a rule book had been passed around that I hadn’t gotten my hands on yet. The ladies never introduced men to their kids unless a relationship had been established, they were always aware and careful of the example their relationship created for their children and their children always were a priority in their lives. At the same time that these ladies were practicing this dating religion only known by single mothers some men I knew were doing the total opposite and in my opinion were failing miserably.
Since I don’t want the father of my children (or any other man for that matter) to commit the errors that I’ve seen other dads make I decided to share the rules we single mothers follow.
Never introduce your child(ren) to someone you are casually dating or just fucking!
I don’t have any girlfriends that introduce men to their children right off the bat. My girls, some male friends of mine and I believe that it is best to not expose our children to new adult role models until we are sure that person is someone we want in their lives. Some people make great companions for us and can bring us happiness but that doesn’t mean that they are worthy of being around our most valued treasures…our children. It also doesn’t mean that the companion wants to be around them either. So, pump those breaks on meeting the kids until you are in a committed relationship. Once you both are signed up for the same plan then you can allow them to start dating you and your children.
Just as hard as my girlfriends worked to keep the men they were dating away from their kids once in relationships they worked very hard to provide good examples of what a relationship should be. I do have to say that most of my male friends also get this right too. Yet, through many girlfriends I have too often heard stories of men providing their children with terrible examples of what relationships should be like. Do we not still live in a world where kids grow up to behave in relationships and expect from relationships what they saw as models from the adults in their lives? I’m just wondering because I see way too many people failing at this one.
I know that no relationship is perfect and that people aren’t always easy to get along with or live with. As a mother I have always tried to show my children that there is a right way to argue with someone that doesn’t involve name calling, making disparaging comments or escalating into a fight. Their father worked very hard with me to create that positive example for them. I am not going to let a man I am in a relationship with change this way of thinking for them. My girlfriends, even the ones who had the most dysfunctional relationships with the father’s of their kids, all are also working very hard to provide good examples for their kids.
If you want your sons and daughters to grow up to have loving relationships you are the person who has to provide them that example. For those of you out there that don’t get this it is simple…
Do not disparage the person you are dating or fight with them in front of your children!
It perplexes me that some men and women feel the need to always call names and fight the person they are involved with. If you are doing this in front of your kids then your kids really shouldn’t be allowed around you! Take a step back next time you are arguing that boyfriend or girlfriend with your kids in the house and ask yourself if that is what you want for your child(ren) in the future. I’m sure it isn’t so stop it! Ladies and Gentlemen, if you do or don’t have kids but are involved with a person that calls you names and/or fights with you in front of their kids…guess what? That person doesn’t respect you or their child(ren) walk away and stop providing a poor example for those kids! If you are the one that disparages others and starts fights with the people you are in a relationship with…I suggest therapy and quickly!
You’ve taken your time to get to know the person, decided they were someone worthy of being in a relationship with you and your kids, you got some therapy and now know how to properly argue with your loved ones, so, what else?
Make sure that your child(ren) are always your priority!
Just because you have this new person in your life making you happy that doesn’t mean that your kids can suddenly fall back into a supporting role in your life. I strongly believe that parents should always make time for self so that they can be better parents to their children but I think that after self come the kids. Make sure that as your new relationship progresses that your children are a part of that. We all know people who put relationships before their children let’s not be them!
Anyone who is single knows that dating can be difficult! For us single-parents dating doesn’t have to be anymore difficult if we set some standards for ourselves that serve the best interest for our children.
