social networking making breakups messier than ever

Fifteen years ago, meeting and dating was very different from how it is today. Usually, meeting someone required physical proximity but now through the invention of social networks there is no physical proximity required to meet someone. The fact that he is Miami and you are in Seattle doesn’t prevent you from meeting or dating. On Twitter and Facebook you and your Boo connect virtually becoming a part of every aspect of each other’s lives, you don’t have to miss anything because most of us post everything. Skype replaces traditional phone calls letting you be together virtually in a much more intimate way. He hops a quick flight from time to time, you do the same and hey, the long distance relationship grew faster and is easier to maintain than ever! Indeed, social networking has changed some aspects of dating for the better but what about the parts it has made worse? As much as social networking has changed meeting and dating long distance for the better it has changed how couples interact with each other’s social circles during and after a relationship for the worst.

Back in the day, people you dated knew your friends casually and interacted them socially when you were around. They did not get to interact with ALL your friends and family until it was serious. Today, it only takes a few Facebook status messages, tagged photos or Twitter retweets for the new Boo to see who is who in your life. The interaction between them begins innocently on your page with a comment here and there or through a few @ replies on Twitter. In the good old days, YOU were always the connection between friend and Boo. It was RARE for more than a couple of our friends to let a person we were dating into all their business. Not anymore because once friends and Boo add one another on Facebook or follow one another on Twitter, they have access to your friend’s most personal thoughts, photos and they now get to interact with friends of your friends. A few clicks here, a few clicks there and this person is now as much a part of your friends’ virtual lives as they are a part of your real life. They have adhered themselves to some of the most important people in your life without it even seeming odd or like they are doing too much.

Then when you break up, since, your friends and even their friends have been interacting with this person regularly it continuing doesn’t ever bring up any warning flags. Everyday, the ex and your friends are tweeting and retweeting one another. You can’t hide on Facebook either because they comment on your friends’ statuses, photos, notes, links and your friends ~like~ their stuff…sending it all right into YOUR stream. The line from virtual life to analog life many times bleeds so easily that suddenly the old flame’s inner circle and yours now look like a very skewed Venn diagram. You can’t even think about attending events without wondering if someone invited the ex. It just keeps getting more uncomfortable but none of your friends realize how you feel because in the age of the social network we are expected to be…well, social and cordial. You begin to wonder how the world became such a small place, who the hell they even tweeted or interacted with on Facebook prior to your relationship and why these people can’t come back so you can have your friends back?

But no, you can’t have your friends back because this is just how it is especially for those who grew up digital. You might not remember, like I do, that when you broke up with someone in the good old days unless you had dated for a long time it was unlikely that they’d ever have this much access to YOUR friends. Before the days of the social network it took phone calls and texts for the ex to get a hold of our friends. Phone calls or texts from a friend’s ex wanting to chat or hang out were considered an odd thing. Friends would quickly cut the Cling On off and report to you how uncomfortable that made them feel. Of course there were the genuine cases where the ex became tight with Jenny or Jimmy and being an adult it was something we could understand; maybe your relationship was meant to bring two friends together. No matter what, it was unlikely that at every turn on any given day you’d come across their presence…even if you did come across them it was unlikely that they’d swing by hamming it up with ALL of your closest friends. That was then…this is now!

Having to CONSTANTLY be reminded of an ex through your friends isn’t pleasant, it didn’t happen back in the day like it does now and it sure as hell isn’t natural. When did this become okay? What happened to the unwritten loyalty rules that came with friendship? What are we to do in the age of the social network? Do we not friend or follow people we are dating? Doesn’t that cause more problems? Do we write new unwritten rules for how our friends interact with our love interests? Should we just accept that our friends won’t cut people off once we stop dating them? The smartest thing to do seems to not have an online presence in the first place so that these problems never come up. Is that even feasible anymore when everyone from preteens to grandmothers are using social networks to stay connected?

© Lidia-Anain May 12, 2010 ~ All Rights Reserved.