posts tagged ‘depression’

  1. find a happy place

    February 3, 2012 by Lidia-Anain

    Having feelings of wanting to run far far away. Feeling completely restless. So incredibly restless that I cannot study or get much done on the novel that I should be editing or the reading I need to do for this or that. The feelings of restlessness are quickly followed by anger and I don’t like myself when I become that person. The anger is followed by an emptiness and overbearing feelings of guilt. I don’t know what to do to make these feelings go away.

    I know that I’ve hit a wall. A big wall that is going to take a lot of work to break through. I know exactly where the disconnect is within me and I also know what the internal and external things I need to change to make my life flow again are. *Seeing* the problems clearly doesn’t make them any better, any easier or any less painful. Sometimes in the seeing is where the most pain resides; where feelings have the most power and I don’t know what to do to make these feelings go away!
    (more…)

    Filed Under: diary | Tagged: , , , , ,

  2. Loss by Wookiesgirl

    December 22, 2011 by WookiesGirl

    Loss.

    …such a small word and yet, for some, its meaning is unfathomably huge.  So much so, that it can be the only thing we see, feel and breathe.

    Today marks the two year anniversary of the death of my cousin, Jacob. He died as the result of a drug overdose. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. He is by far the biggest loss I’ve had in the last three years.

    I want to talk about what loss means to me, what it looks like and how it feels right at this moment.
    (more…)

    Filed Under: naked candor | Tagged: , , , , , ,

  3. almost a year ago

    December 2, 2011 by Lidia-Anain

    What follows is the transcript of my journal entry from December 31, 2010. I have not written in my journal since that day because instead I wrote here. I guess I am sharing it because it was this journal entry that gave me the strength to share more than I thought was possible with strangers.

    I was very weak then but not so much these days. The power I have found in candor is endless and incredible. If it hurts my advice to you is write it down and let it go.

    (more…)

    Filed Under: diary, introspection | Tagged: , , ,

  4. shit filled septembers

    September 23, 2011 by Lidia-Anain

    In early May I began wading in a shit filled abyss. My body went limp. My voice grew weak. I couldn’t express all the emotions that had overcome me. All the trauma that surfaced with one visit to Florida. I was supposed to be there for six weeks but only lasted three. I physically fled from that place and those emotions but my voice it had left me and my mind remained in that abyss now all the way in it; swimming desperately trying to escape. It wasn’t until Sezin reached out with an unexpected post that lifted me up above the  rip current of worthlessness and despair that I had been swimming against. After the silence I was able to post things that I thought I would never be able to share with anyone. I wrote things down that I hadn’t told some of my best friends. I was heard by so many and felt better for sharing one of my darkest moments. (more…)

    Filed Under: diary, introspection | Tagged: , ,

  5. my heart is sick of being in chains

    July 14, 2011 by Lidia-Anain

    Had a poignant conversation today with a new friend that I trust very much. A new friend that trusts me too. We have been confiding all sorts of things. We started sharing our dreams for our careers and we’ve moved to talking about our childhoods and mothers. My friend is beautiful on the outside but especially on the inside. My friend is balanced. My friend is smart. My friend is ambitious. My friend has it together. My friend is absolutely going places. I wish I was more like her but I am so extremely happy for her because the last thing I want is company in my misery. My friend is the me I could have been had I sought therapy and made better choices. (more…)

    Filed Under: diary | Tagged: , , , , ,

  6. romantic allure of suicide

    April 25, 2011 by Lidia-Anain

    Death eventually comes for each and all of us. For some of us it will come peacefully in the night on a night so far into our days that once our family and friends hear of our passing they will comment on what a long life we lived. For others death will be the final gift from a debilitating disease that just wanted to keep on giving. Some will meet death unexpectedly through some unforeseen accident that takes their life before it was time. Death seems to operate on a schedule that he reveals to no one but then again there are those of us that cheat death the pleasure of pulling the life out of us by doing it on our own terms. For some people suicide is the only way out… (more…)

    Filed Under: diary, introspection | Tagged: , , , , , , ,

  7. depressed, worried, sad – but I have to kick these feelings!

    April 21, 2011 by Lidia-Anain

    I have some crazy shit popping off in my life right now most of which I don’t want to even think about much less write about for others to judge. The one thing that is really bothering me is my father’s health. He has always been a very strong man. He is 71 and proof that black doesn’t crack because he looks much younger. He has always had a pudgy belly but otherwise has maintained a very strong physically capable body. My Dad had not let his age slow him down one bit. On the outside he seemed fine but I guess on the inside he was having problems that we didn’t know about. As I type this he is home in Florida in his bed resting trying to get healthy…waiting on test results. So, I am a mess here in California because when I spoke to him he sounded like death. I have never heard my father’s voice sound so ill not even when his appendix ruptured and I spoke to him before they wheeled him into surgery. (more…)

    Filed Under: diary, introspection, motherhood | Tagged: , , , ,

  8. a day off from my commitment to me but not

    April 18, 2011 by Lidia-Anain

    In the dashboard of this site there are sixteen new posts partially written just sitting there waiting for me to finish them, edit them and post them. I really should be editing one of those posts so that we can chat about this topic or that topic but I am not. I have religiously been plugging away at writing both on this blog, in my journal and even the novel I am writing for over a month now. I have done an amazing job of balancing my goals as a woman and my duties as a mother. I have been managing my depression much better than I had been doing for the last two years. I really shouldn’t take a day off from my commitment to me but I am and not at the same time. I obviously didn’t take the day off from writing a post but today I just want to talk to y’all openly about what is on my mind. (more…)

    Filed Under: introspection, motherhood | Tagged: , , ,

  9. he knows if you’ve been sad or depressed. your child lives within your facade!

    February 7, 2011 by Lidia-Anain

    Many mothers who work very hard at giving their very best at work, to their children and the world around them often find themselves surrounded by a cloud of unhappiness they can’t shake. The source of this unhappiness is different for each woman that experiences it but most if not all will do everything in their power to hide the cloudiness from their children. Hiding our sadness from our children is something that us mothers think that we must do in order to raise happy children. (more…)

    Filed Under: introspection, motherhood | Tagged: , , , , , , ,

  10. thoughts are the demons who own me

    September 8, 2010 by Lidia-Anain

    Have you ever been sick? Extremely sick to the point where you can’t do anything for yourself? Depression is that sickness for many of us, a dark cloud that blows into our heads which makes living fuzzy, it distracts us as it takes over each and every single cell in our bodies until we become paralyzed. Once it paralyzes it starts taunting us with all the things we could do if it hadn’t immobilized us. The worst part is that there is absolutely nothing we can do to escape it other than wait for the cloud to drift past us. I have been in and out of this haze for the last couple of weeks and today I have decided that I cannot go on like this; waiting is no longer an option for me. I want to live. (more…)

    Filed Under: diary, introspection | Tagged: , , , , , ,

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