Have you ever been sick? Extremely sick to the point where you can’t do anything for yourself? Depression is that sickness for many of us, a dark cloud that blows into our heads which makes living fuzzy, it distracts us as it takes over each and every single cell in our bodies until we become paralyzed. Once it paralyzes it starts taunting us with all the things we could do if it hadn’t immobilized us. The worst part is that there is absolutely nothing we can do to escape it other than wait for the cloud to drift past us. I have been in and out of this haze for the last couple of weeks and today I have decided that I cannot go on like this; waiting is no longer an option for me. I want to live.
Living is a choice that people like me have to make…living doesn’t always happen naturally for us in fact not living is what we sometimes do best. Somewhere along the way while others were learning how to love themselves we learned how to be down about everything which made us. Everyday isn’t like this we have our manic days where we are super productive and in love with the person in the mirror…we become an endless candle with vivid flames burning at both ends. Happiness fits us so very well until while walking past the mirror we notice how stained happiness is and we begin to believe our own lies. ::cue self dialogue::
The thoughts begin…
“I’ll be happy when…”
“If I had that I’d be happy.”
“It is because of this that I can’t be happy.”
Happiness is no longer a feeling that we create by living in each moment and making the best of it. Our happiness becomes a rabbit tied to a stick spinning quickly around a track. Run you tired old dog, run…come on catch up, beat your demons to the rabbit…be the first one there so that you can tear it apart with your teeth! I run. I run. One tired old dog exhausted running around this track I know so well. The harder I run the more dust I kick up, losing sight of the rabbit, feet losing grip of the track but I’m still running. This was no sprint but a marathon and around the last bend I’ve made it. There you are you goddamn rabbit! The demons are closer than ever crowding, bumping and baulking me as I see the flashbulbs at the finish line light up. I win. I am the first across…the stick stops just past the finish line. Behind the rail just past my reach it retracts and once again no rabbit for me. The demons all laugh as they walk with me to my kennel where my trainer Depression locks me up with them. My thoughts are the demons, thoughts own this dog, thoughts that race against their own bitch allowing her to always win but never giving her any of the gains.
If I could only escape from my abusive owner to roam the streets alone or better yet find a pack of runaway dogs to join. Today, I have decided to execute my escape…while the others play a tune during music hour that drown out the thoughts I’ll breakout the back of my kennel. I might not be able to control the blowing clouds that follow me keeping me in a haze of self-doubt as I run but I can choose to do a little rain dance. Tears flowing, loud sobs to the beat of some of my favorite songs and screams of I don’t want this anymore Dear God! Then quickly the clouds are gone and the haze dissipates. The thoughts change. Lift the lid on the grill, life has served us another rabbit, eat while you can because we both know the manic highs don’t last very long. It won’t be long before the thoughts that own you will find you again. Enjoy living in the moment while you can you manic depressive bitch you.
Thoughts which enslave us for life because somewhere along the way we didn’t learn what is proper self dialogue. Depression has everything to do with the thoughts that maintain us properly trained to serve nothing but more thoughts and little to do with chemical imbalances. You can’t feed me a pill that will make the thoughts stop therefore making all medication mute. Today, unmedicated like always I’m running not after any of thoughts’ rabbits but running with eyes open looking for my pack…there is strength in numbers I tell myself but there it is yet again another thought that has seeped in keeping me running…
